


For the Girl Who Has Everything

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Holidays [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Bob - Freeform, F/M, Harley and Joker have a healthy relationship, Joker annoying Batman, Oral Sex, Valentine's Day, auto thief, crazy monkey sex, mad love, murderous clowns, sex of course because it's me writing it, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 01:26:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9693749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Joker sends the goons off to get Harley Valentine's Day gifts while he figures out what to get her himself.





	

Harley sat behind Joker—who wore only a pair of striped boxers—with her legs around him combing his hair while he painted her toe nails. They were sitting on their bed which was loaded with stuffed toys, pillows and blankets in a wide variety of colors. Harley, who was wearing her favorite red nightie, had her back against the wall while she ran the comb through Mistah J's hair. She leaned in and kissed the back of his neck, eliciting a pleasant growl from Joker as he concentrated on painting her nails. They were both quiet, attending to their tasks when Harley spoke. 

“Hey puddin, Valentine's is this week ain't it?” She ran her comb through his hair smiling, her fingers brushing some loose curling hairs back behind his ear just before she dragged her nails along the nape of his neck. 

“Yes it is...” Joker murmured lazily, the feel of her fingernails against his skin, her fingers through his hair made him feel relaxed, even a little drowsy. 

“We should plan a romantic date...or maybe I could fix you dinner?” Harley stopped brushing her puddin's hair and started kneading his shoulders. Joker groaned with a grin while she rubbed. 

“Sure, why not!” Joker chuckled. 

Harley giggled. “OOOh! I could decorate the place with hearts and pink and red ribbons!! ” 

“Sure poohbear, you do that...” Joker was quiet while Harley worked her fingers down his bare back. He was thinking about Harley turning the whole hideout into a pink paradise. He made a face thinking about it, wrinkling his nose. But on the upside...the sex would be fantastic because she would be happy!! Especially if he managed to get her something really special... 

This year would be his first Valentine's with Harley. It was strange—to have someone. At that moment, Joker decided that he had to get something special for her. He wasn't really sure why, (well, except for the sex) but he wanted to get something for her that would make her smile. He loved her smile, it was nearly perfect. 

Then his idea morphed. He was going to take the boys shopping! It would be five-fingered, gun point discount day for Joker and his boys to get Valentine's gifts for Harley! 

Bob would love it because they would all have to get something for Harley; Bob loved Harley! They would find everything they could that was pink, red and had hearts all over it! It would be the most pink, heart-filled Valentine's day EVER! 

He grinned brightly at the idea thinking of how happy Harley would be... 

Harley kissed his shoulder noticing the change in him. “Everything all right puddin?” 

“Everything is just dandy, my sweetling!” Joker turned and pounced on her. Harley laughed wrapping herself around him. She gazed up into his insane eyes and sighed happily. She was in love, happily and manically in love. She pulled him down to kiss him. Joker giggled, his tongue snaking out to trace her lips. Harley moaned. “Come here puddin...Your Harley needs some revving up.” 

Joker started giggling and whispered. “Let Daddy make you feel better poopsie...” 

Harley giggled and then gasped when Joker slithered down her body, nestling between her legs where he pushed her panties aside and gently started to lick, pressing his lips against her, running his tongue in slow circles. Harley rocked her hips against his tongue, grabbing the pillow over her head. 

“Ooooohhhh....” she moaned. Joker snapped the side of her panties, ripping yet another pair. Harley thought about scolding him, but she didn't really care how many pairs of her panties he destroyed. 

Joker pushed himself up to rest his chin on the mound of her sex. His eyes twinkled mischievously. 

“We are going to play a game my little minx.” He giggled. 

Harley pushed herself up on her elbows. “A game?” 

Joker nodded. “I'm going to spell something with my tongue and you have to guess what I'm spelling.” He waggled his eyebrows at her. 

Harley giggled. “Okay!” 

Joker slowly lowered himself back down between her legs taking a playing nip at the soft flesh of her inner thighs. Then he leaned in, his tongue dancing across her sex. 

Harley gasped on the first letter. “J!” 

She moaned deeply on the next letter. “O!” 

She thrust her hips with a groaned, “K!” 

Joker pressed his hands against her upper thighs pulling her closer while Harley groaned. “Oh E! E!” 

Then she gasped, an orgasm washing over her causing her to cry out. “R!!!” 

Joker giggled. “Hmm...what should I spell next? Let's find out shall we?” 

With that Joker settled back between her legs brushing his nose against her teasingly grinning. 

“Let's spell a really loooonnngggg word shall we?” 

* 

Harley was a quivering mess by the time Joker worked his way slowly up her body, dragging his tongue against her skin. “Ooohh...Mistah J...” she moaned. His tongue felt like fire against her flushed skin. When Joker rose up over her grinning brightly and his lips glistening, he winked at her. He ran the tip of his tongue over his upper lip. “Mmm...now that was fun wasn't it?” 

Harley giggled. “Oh yeah puddin, that was a lot of fun!” 

He grinned then jerked when Harley reached down between the and ran her hand down his length squeezing with just enough pressure to make him purr. 

His eyes fluttered. Harley sighed happily, he had just the thickest, most beautiful lashes around such stunning eyes. “Mmmm...Harley....” His eyes rolled in their sockets and he smiled. 

“Come here puddin...” Harley purred, directing him toward her. 

He entered her slowly, inch by inch, his upper teeth pressed into his lower lips, his eyes rolling upward enjoying the tight, wet feel of her as he merged his body with hers. 

“Oh Harley... pumpkin pie...” he moaned. 

Harley wrapped herself around him, her kisses soft yet passionate. She didn't say she loved him because she knew he couldn't say it back, but she demonstrated her love by the tenderness of her kiss, the gentle thrusting of her hips. 

Joker smoothed her hair back from her face gazing down at her, biting her lips gently, his thrusts slow and deep. He drew his thumbs over her jaw, gliding his fingers down, his hands caressing her throat. Harley stared up into his eyes, mesmerized by her mad clown. He grinned at her and rubbed his nose against hers, picking up the pace of his thrusts until he had Harley writhing under him, mewling her pleasure until, with a gasp, she cried out. “OH PUDDIN!! YES!” 

Her nails bit into his back, her body arching in her climax. 

Joker groaned feeling her tighten around him. He buried his face against her neck, wrapping his arms around her, pressing his body to hers when he came with a low growling moan. “Uuuhh...Harls....” 

Harley held on tight feeling his release and climaxing again. “Oh Mistah J...” 

He mumbled. “Harley...my Harley...” 

* 

Much later, Joker was curled against her, his head resting on her shoulder. Harley smiled softly gazing down at his sleeping face. He smiled even in his sleep, his lips hiding his perfect teeth, but the smile was still there. He looked so content when he slept. She ran a finger along his pointed nose before her fingers stroked through his hair, caressing the side of his face gently. 

“I love you Mistah J,” she whispered. 

* 

The next evening Joker rolled out of bed stretching his arms over his head grinning from ear to ear. He was taking the boy's Valentine's Day shopping for his Harley. 

Now...how to get away from her so she wouldn't suspect his surprise for her. 

He glanced over his shoulder at his sleeping beauty. She was curled on her side, the sheets having fallen to her hips. Her pale skin glowed in the moonlight streaming through the window. His body reacted to her nakedness, wanting nothing more than to roll her onto her stomach and take her. He growled deep in his throat for a moment thinking about her sprawled under him, the sweet sound of her panting, his name on her lips. He grinned crookedly. 

But then he quickly shook the thought out of his head, if he did that than he would never get out to get her Valentine's Day presents because he would want to stay here fucking her all night instead. 

“Bad Joker...” he muttered to himself. 

Harley rolled over with a sleepy smile on her lips. “Hey puddin whatcha doing? Come back to bed.” 

“I can't my little sugar plum, Daddy has some work he needs to get done.” Joker started to walk to the bathroom just as Harley sat up. “Can I come?” 

Joker turned. Harley grinned. Oh, he was naked still..she loved him naked. She could look at his pale white naked body all day. 

“Ah, not this time my little clown I...uh...Bob and I have a mission that only the two of us can do.” Joker grinned. 

Harley blinked in surprise. “You and Bob?” 

Joker nodded. “Now stay here while Daddy and Bob get some work done and if you're good I'll bring you back some cupcakes.” 

Harley squealed and clapped her hands. “Yeah!!” 

* 

Finally, Joker, dressed in a three-piece pin-striped purple and white suit, had slipped out with Bob and the rest of his gang, a grand total of ten devoted clowns. He had many, many more clowns at his disposal, but these were the guys who had managed to stay alive the longest and who always came when Joker called. 

“Alright gents, tonight we are shopping for Harley. It's a Valentine's gift for her. I want you to find as many hearts, pink stuff and other God awful lovey things you can find! I want so much pink that it makes me want to puke! Any objections?” Joker pulled out his gun aiming it around at each man when he finished his little speech. 

They all nodded their understanding. The gun wasn't really necessary, all of them were devoted to Harley. She was like the their Wendy, telling them stories and making sure they went to bed on time and in Bob's case, buying his tutus and sparkles. Joker just liked to use guns to emphasize his points was all; the gang was used to it. 

“All right! Everyone go, don't get arrested and meet back here before morning!” Joker laughed throwing his arms out. The men before him scattered like leaves on the wind. 

Joker chuckled. Harley was definitely going to be surprised. 

* 

Joker hummed while he walked down the sidewalk, twirling his cane waiting for an idea to come to him. He wanted to get Harley something fun, something special, something one of a kind! He was humming a Frank Sinatra song when he passed by a poster plastered on the side of a building. The ad was for the Gotham City Prototype Car show. The dates were for all this week. Joker stood with both hands behind his back rocking back on his heels, idling swinging his cane behind him as he looked over the poster, his smile widening. 

“Something no one else has...” he murmured. Then with a giggle he leaned in close, noted the location and set off with a skip in his step. 

* 

When Joker approached the Gotham City convention center he saw that the place was surprisingly crowded. The center was lit up like a Christmas tree and people were milling about going in and out. Staying to the shadows Joker saw that there were several security guards located outside and there were probably several on the inside. He smiled. Perfect, he thought. 

Twenty minutes later and one dead body shoved in a dumpster, Joker walked in dressed as a security guard, his hat pulled low over his face. He was walking up the stairs when one of the guards, a heavy set fellow whose name tag read “Elvis” yelled at him. “Joe! What are you doing out here, get your ass inside.” 

Joker giggled and waved. “On my way!” 

With that he breezed past the guards and into the showroom. The Gotham City convention center was huge, with high arched ceilings like a church and a wide, rounded floor space perfect for displaying the new concept cars, some of which would be coming out later this year. 

Joker walked around whistling to himself checking out all the cars going through a mental check list...too sleek, too ugly, too...just too...but then he saw the perfect car for Harley. 

It was a new Cobra 378. As Joker walked slowly around the vehicle, he stopped to read the displayed information about the car. This particular car that was on display had a 550-horsepower engine, as well as several other modern upgrades. But it wasn't that the car was a stylish convertible that was so appealing to Joker...it was that the car was painted in black and red with card diamonds on the side. On top of that, a sign that the car was here for Joker to take was that the car was called, The Harlequin. 

Joker grinned. The car was begging to be stolen for Harley!! How could he not? 

Joker giggled. She was going to love it. Now...now...how to get it out of here? 

It only took a little bit of investigating and the asking of a few questions, but soon he learned that the keys were kept in a safe near the main offices. Joker giggled, perfect. 

* 

Bruce Wayne sighed. The woman on his arm, Rachael Dawes, was a childhood friend who Bruce had been dating casually, mostly to keep up appearances. She was lovely, slim with thick brown hair. She was currently wearing her hair in a side part, twisted up do that matched her elegant midnight blue evening dress. Bruce wore a complimenting blue tailored suit. They looked quite the stunning couple...too bad he was going to have to break it off with her soon. They were becoming too distant to maintain the illusion of a couple and Bruce knew she was interested in his friend Harvey Dent, which was fine by him. But for now, she had joined him here at the car show. They were both bored, Rachel bored with the cars and Bruce bored with her. 

The two of them were standing near a series of illustrations and computer generated models of a Talihoo 2046 concept car by artist Hao Huang when Bruce thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He turned, but there was nothing and no one out of the ordinary there. Bruce frowned, he could have sworn he saw...green hair. But the 

Joker would not be here...would he? Rachel sighed. “Bruce I'm going to go track down one of those waiters with the wine. Be right back.” Bruce grunted letting her go. 

He stood still, surveying the crowd. That was when he caught sight of a security guard moving to the back doors that led to the offices of the convention center. The man wasn't doing anything unusual, but there was something about his movements that had attracted Bruce's attention, and he looked particularly pale. 

The guard opened the doors and slipped through disappearing. Bruce glanced around spying Rachel over with Dent. They seemed to be deep in conversation. He smiled, yeah she was definitely interested in Harvey. 

Bruce walked toward the doors. He had just laid his hand on the handle when a man cleared his throat. Bruce turned to see a guard standing there. 

“Sorry sir, guests are not allowed back there.” 

Bruce nodded. “Sorry, just looking for the bathrooms.” 

The guard, an older man with piercing grey eyes pointed across the floor. “Bathrooms are that way sir.” 

Bruce nodded. “Thanks.” He headed off in that direction. He glanced over his shoulder once only to see the guard's gaze was following him as he crossed the floor. Bruce muttered to himself about security making his job difficult. 

Once Bruce was in the bathroom, he headed toward the window which, thanks to the building's architect, was big enough for him to get through. There was no one else in here, which made slipping out the window easy...and there was no need to either explain himself or knock anyone out. 

* 

Joker skipped his way down the deserted halls to the office. When he came to the office door he was pleasantly surprised to find that it was unlocked. He slipped inside turning to face the room. Instantly his eyes were drawn to the safe, just where the other guard had told him it would be. The safe was embedded in the lower half of the wall. The way the safe was designed, no one would notice it if they weren't looking for it. Joker giggled, dropping down to his knees. He tilted his head one way, then the other. 

“A mechanical lock...” he murmured staring at it. 

He grinned. “Lucky me!” 

He flipped the lock to the right several times, then leaned in, his ear not touching the safe door, but close. His fingers settled lightly on the dial. Joker could unlock a safe in less than 15 minutes...though when he did decide to rob a bank or a personal vault, he usually went for blowing it up—explosions were so much more fun! 

Joker giggled as the safe popped open for him without a fuss. 

Inside there were several keys, hundreds...so which one was for the car he wanted? 

Joker pulled all the keys out spreading them on the floor in a fan like pattern. 

“Hmmm...” He rubbed his chin in thought, his eyes gazed over the keys, then, after a moment, he reached out and picked up one, a switchblade key. His smile widened. 

“Perfect.” 

* 

Bruce managed to get out the window and onto the street in minutes. He hit the communicator on his wrist hurrying around a corner before putting in a call to Alfred. 

“Send the car,” was all he said. 

“Right away sir.” Alfred responded. 

* 

Joker grinned happily, gun in his pocket, key in hand, as he skipped across the show-room to get his gift for his girl. No one paid that much attention to him when he walked over to the car. Some people turned when he got into the vehicle, but when he threw off the security hat, stuck the key in the ignition and yelled. 

“RIDE OR DIE! I am the Nightrider. I'm a fuel injected suicide machine. I am the rocker, I am the roller, I am the out-of-controller! WOOHOO!!!” 

With a hoot of laughter, Joker hit the gas (it had half a tank) and the car leapt forward like a panther. People screamed, scrambling out of the way. Joker pulled his gun out and fired into the air. He turned the car around and aimed for the large double doors in the back. 

“Okay folks, I need those doors open or I start shooting and running over people until someone opens them for me!” 

“I think not Joker.” A cold hard voice echoed over the screams of the crowd. Joker groaned rolling his head. 

Dropping his head back against the seat with a groan Joker muttered, “Oh come on! Do you have a tracking device on me? Do I have to do a strip search on myself?! Can't a guy get a gift for his girl? Where is your romantic side Batsy!!” 

Joker leaned his arm against the door looking more bored and annoyed than actually upset. 

“Get out of the car Joker.” Batman took a step toward him. Joker casually held up the gun, barrel pointed right at him. 

“Batsy, I really don't want to play tonight. I'm planning on having absolutely crazy monkey sex with Harley when I bring her this car as a gift and believe me...you do not want to get between me and crazy monkey sex.” Joker gave him a wide grin. 

Batman winced a little, not wanting to visualize Joker and Harley doing anything except being behind bars. 

“Joker, I can't let you take the car.” 

Joker giggled. “Let's see if you can stop me, huh?” 

Then Joker shot, but not at Batman, at one of the guests beside him, then gunned the engine straight for Batman. 

Batman shoved the guest out of the way, the bullet grazing the woman's shoulder. Batman shot out his grappling hook just barely getting himself out of the way as Joker spun the car around in a circle yelling. “There are two types of pedestrians: quick and dead!!” 

He spun the car again laughing wildly, showing that while he didn't drive much, it wasn't from lack of skill. He managed not to hit any of the other display vehicles or patrons...though he wasn't really trying to hit them...just Batman. 

Joker laughed. “Whoopie!!” 

Joker fired his weapon again, this time at Batman with no real intention of hitting him, but when he spun the car around, he noticed that several guests had opened the doors for him. Joker giggled. Ah the wonderful cowardice of the wealthy! Batman took aim with two batarangs, intending to puncture two tires on the stolen vehicle, but too many people were running randomly in a panic; too much chance of harming one of the convention patrons. 

Joker hit the gas, the car lunged forward, racing for the doors, bursting through into the Gotham night before Batman could stop him. 

Laughing hysterically, Joker sped off into the night. 

* 

Joker took several turns, back roads, a quick stop at a twenty four hour grocery store where he walked out with some cupcakes, each decorated with a plastic heart ring, then a few other back roads and side streets only he and maybe Batman knew about on his way back to the Amusement Mile, the location of his hideout stashed deep in the bowels of the old amusement park. 

It took some maneuvering, but he got the car down to the opening of a series of tunnels that were part of the old Gotham subway. The subway was not just a forgotten place for the forgotten of Gotham, it was also a great place to stash stuff. He drove the car down to where he could keep it hidden, guarded and give it to Harley tomorrow. He had a platform lift installed ages ago, no one knew about it but him, Harley and Bob...everyone else who worked on the thing had become one of the many “missing” in Gotham. He knew exactly where they were...behind a wall, but he wasn't telling anybody. 

Joker jumped out of the car, his expression gleeful. He was going to get the best crazy monkey sex out of this! He giggled, pleased with himself and headed back up to see what the boys had come up with for Harley. 

* 

They all met at the defunct balloon dart game. Joker (still dressed as a security guard) was sitting cross-legged on the counter twirling his gun with his fingers as he waited for his men to show up. Bob was the first to appear. He had a huge bag over his shoulder looking like a bald ballerina in his orange tutu, fake ragged pink fairy wings and a fuzzy halo on his bald crown. When he saw Joker waiting he broke out into a huge smile hurrying over and dropping his bag at Joker's feet. 

Joker giggled. “Oh let's see what you have there Bob darling!” 

Bob, still grinning brightly, opened his sack. Inside were toys, stuffed animals galore, all Valentine's themed, dolls and even toy weapons, a whole range of toys in pinks, reds and covered in hearts. Joker laughed slapping his knees and rocking back. 

“Oh Bob, those are perfect!! My pooh bear will love them!! Well done sweetheart!” Joker applauded him which had Bob blushing and doing a perfectly executed ballet bow. Minutes later, the other men came trickling in, one at a time bringing their gifts for inspection. 

One brought a set of ceramic knives with pink handles, another a bag of red clown noses (Joker almost shot him, but when the goon showed him that the noses squeaked, Joker let him live), yet another brought a pink and white polkadot tazer gun, another had managed to steal at least twenty heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, and lastly, the last member of their merry group showed up with a pumpkin pie. 

Joker stared at the pie, then at the man standing there. 

The goon looked up. “Ah...you call her pumpkin pie all the time so I thought...” 

Joker sighed and shot him in the head. Survival of the funniest. 

“Pie is not a gift!” Joker rolled his eyes jumping to his feet while he motioned with this gun. “Well someone pick the pie up, no point in letting it go to waste and one of you get rid of Joey there...I want everything set up right now! I want it to look just like she would want it!” 

Bob raised his hand. Joker laughed. “Oh course you get to be in charge Bob my sweetheart! You get the rest of these guys to do whatever you need. I want everything perfect.” 

Bob nodded eagerly. 

* 

Harley was stretched out on their bed. She had been reading, but right now her head lay on her crossed hands fast asleep, her book, a romance novel, laid over her face. Joker grinned gazing at her. She was still naked, her long white blonde hair loose and curling around her shoulders. He stripped out of his own clothing and crawled onto the bed pulling the covers over the both of them just before he wrapped his arms around her. Harley murmured softly rolling over, snuggling up against him. “Mmm...puddin...” 

Joker chuckled pressing her naked body up against his. “Daddy's home pumpkin.” 

Harley giggled in her sleep nuzzling against him. Joker held her tight grinning the whole while. 

* 

The next day, Joker was up and dressed in one of his best outfits when Harley came awake. “Puddin?” 

Joker was sitting in a chair by the bed watching her. “Finally! I was beginning to think you were going to sleep all night!” 

Harley sat up rubbing her eyes. For a moment Joker was completely distracted by her nakedness. He pressed his teeth into his bottom lip, the thought of just jumping back into bed, pressing her down into the mattress while he took her was strong (he had the same urge every time he saw her naked...who knew he had such a libido!) but he was excited to show her the gifts she had waiting. So instead he pushed his lust away for later. 

“Come on Harls! Get dressed—I have something to show you!” 

Joker reached out and nearly dragged her out of the bed. 

* 

Joker skipped down the stairs with Harley, who had thrown on a black and red dress with a poofy skirt and a little black shrug, her hair up in a ponytail making her look like she stepped right out of the 1950's. When they arrived downstairs Joker dropped her hand and threw his arms out with a grand gesture. 

“TADA!!” 

In the room was the most beautiful car Harley had ever seen, plus it was filled with toys, knives and an assortment of other playthings along with heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, someone (probably Bob) had even added pink and red heart-shaped balloons last night, along with streamers and cut-out hearts. 

Joker grinned and yelled. “Happy Valentine's Day!!” 

Harley squealed. “PUDDIN!!” She threw her arms around him covering his face with kisses which had Joker laughing. 

“Oh puddin it's all so perfect!! You are the best!” 

Harley whispered her lips against his ear. 

Joker kept his arms wrapped around her as he whispered. 

“You know I would do anything for you cupcake.” 

Harley smiled and licked his lips just before she whispered, “How about having sex with me in that car for Valentine's Day...?” 

Joker laughed, leaning back. “Oh I love how your mind thinks Harls! To the Harleymobile for Crazy Monkey Sex!!” 

Harley turned to look at him, a frown marring her features. 

“What?” 

Joker just laughed. “Come on pooh, I'll show you!”

**Author's Note:**

> Joker quotes the movie "Mad Max"


End file.
